I have always been a fan of Horror Movies. For myself, I enjoy the creepy, spooky ones like last summer’s The Conjuring more than the Slasher films, but that’s just me. Now i’m definitely not taking anything away from Michael, Freddy or Jason. I have a special place in my teenage heart for those guys. With any of these horror films, it’s almost a given that no matter what your watching or where you’re watching it, there is a good chance you are going to have fun. However, there seems to be one type of horror movie that never seems to click with audiences, no matter how hard they try or what big names are involved: The Horror Anthology.
What is it about these movies that do not seem to gel with the general movie going public? I can’t think of one movie in this genre that you could say was a total success in the box office. Sure, there are some cult classics like Creepshow or Grindhouse, but in my research for this blog, (IMDB for about 10 minutes), I couldn’t come up with one major domestic success story for this type of movie in the history of American cinema.
The only theory I have about this is it just works better on television. Shows like Twilight Zone, Tales from the Crypt, Tales from the Darkside, The X files, The Masters of Horror, (and don’t forget Treehouse of Horror), have been doing it right for years. So why does it not translate well to the movie screen? I think it’s because in any of these shows, no matter how good they are, there is always going to be a stinker in there. That’s ok if you’re sitting at home watching it for free. However, in a movie theater there is no escape when a weak story comes on. You are just going to have to grin and bear it, which is not something people really want to do after shelling out $20 or more for the evening. The audience will always remembers there favorite story in the movie, but they also will always remember there least favorite as well, and who wants to see a movie that has a ½ hour to 45 min part that can only be described as “meh”.
So with all that in mind, I have decided to put together a movie of my own, using the best parts from all of the horror anthologies that are out there, (that I’ve seen). Then, after you read this, I’ll need you to go look through the different streaming services, search out these movie clips, copy them, (illegally if you have to), mash them into a YouTube video using some sort of computer wizardry that escapes me, and let me know when you’re done so I can watch it. Won’t that be fun?! (If it gets a lot of views, put my name on it. If not, don’t bother).
Before I get started with the list, we have to take care of the filler. Almost every anthology has one. It’s either something like some weird guy telling stories around a campfire, introducing each one with a sinister laugh and bad puns or they have the filler actually be a story unto itself. All of them usually fail. So in my movie, let’s just use the fake trailers from Grindhouse. If you’ve never seen them, I highly recommend searching them out. Unfortunately, it’s probably the only popular part to come out of the movie, which is a shame. I had a great time watching the whole movie and hoped they would do another one. I guess I’ll just have to settle with the Machete movies, which isn’t a bad thing. But I digress. Let’s start the show:
Best Horror Anthology Movie Ever!
Trailer - Machete
The only truly creepy story in both of the Creepshow movies.
Trailer - Don’t
4 teenagers invite an outcast to join them in their journey to an abandoned rock quarry where a tragic accident with the school bus with eight troubled children happened thirty years ago. The movie was so-so, but this section gave me the heebie-jeebies.
Trailer - Werewolf Women of the SS
I’ve seen and read many different versions of this “maniac dressed as Santa” story, but this one creeps me out the most.
A married couple have looked at several apartments but none have worked out. Finally the realtor assures them the next one will be perfect but they arrive at an abandoned building without any residents or people in sight. And then all hell breaks loose. The most intense hour I’ve encountered watching any type of horror movie out there, this is a must see for anyone that loves to be scared shitless. I also recommend the other films in this Spanish series, especially The Baby’s Room.
That’s it my friends. And remember, to avoid fainting, just keep telling yourself it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie, it’s only a movie…